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Jan 28, 2014

Sanity....a splended thing!

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,  doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.   Ralph and  Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they  were walking past the hospital swimming pool,Ralph suddenly  jumped into the deep end.


He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

                                



Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom
  and pulled him out.  When the Head Nurse Director became aware   of Edna 's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged   from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.


When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ' Edna , I have good
  news and bad news.  The good news is you're being discharged,   since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping  in and saving the life of the person you love...  I have concluded  that your act displays sound mindedness.


The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his
  bathrobe belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he's dead.'


Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. 
How soon can I go home?'

Inner Peace....

                                                                                                 

 
                                                                                                 
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches
and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people
with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be
grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are
too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without
resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
,Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
 

Dec 24, 2013

Smart Thinking....

 
 
An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. 
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' 
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' 
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. 

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..' 

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. 

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. 

This happens several weeks in a row 

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. 

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
 
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. 
She's married; so we can't go to her house. 
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
  The Holiday Inn charges $98.  The Hilton charges $139. 
We do it here for $50, and best of all....
 
Medicare pays $43 of it.
 

Nov 17, 2013

Questions That Haunt Us.....

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we worked out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?



Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?


Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?


Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
 
 








Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?



Gotta Love Johnny!!

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
Passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
 I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story.  Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut the hell up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

Then.....verses.....Now!

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2013

Scenario                 1:    Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack. 1957 -  Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2013 -  School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again.  Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.    
 
Scenario                 2:      Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.  1957 -  Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.  2013Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it .
 

Scenario                 3:      Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.  1957 -  Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal.  He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.                 
2013 -  Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin.  He becomes a zombie.  He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.  


Scenario                 4:      Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.                  1957 -  Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.  
2013 -  Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse
, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang.  The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused (spanked) herself and their dad goes to prison.
Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.   

Scenario                 5:      Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.  1957 -  Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.  2013 -  The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations.  His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.                  
 

Scenario                 6:      Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.      1957 -  Ants die.  2013  ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called.  Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents - and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. 
Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.                  

Scenario                 7:      Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.   He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.  Mary hugs him to comfort him.      1957  -  In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.                 
2013-  Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.  She faces 3 years in State Prison.  Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
 

Nov 7, 2013

Good Thinking!!

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys
a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

Without answering, the girl picks up the
phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the
father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal
family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

 "Additionally, if
a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli ,a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account...

"If a boy is
born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."

"However, if there is a miscarriage , I'm not sure what to
do. What do you suggest?"
At this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him,

'You'll screw her again".